Stupid Party Monsters: Here’s How Not to Die at Raves


YOUNG people are great.  They’re full of curiosity, creativity, and energy.  The world hasn’t yet become a cynical death trap for them, and they’re not 30 years old with credit card debt, so they take drugs seemingly without consequences.  Why would they do something so dangerous to escape their innocent realities?  Oh, maybe because it’s FUN AS SH*T.  There is no stopping kids from doing drugs, so instead of telling them horrible things will happen to them, a better approach is to tell them how to not be irresponsible monsters in an effort to keep them, you know, alive.

Over 50 people were hospitalized in Boston last week at an Avicii concert, (#pleasewakemeup.*) And while everyone joked that Swedish DJ just dropped the bass too hard, the real reasons included: exhaustion, dehydration, alcohol, and, of course, molly.  It’s safe to say this is the type of thing that would never happen at a Radiohead concert  (unless Thom shaved half his head and added some sick beats to Karma Police).  With techno music comes drugs, and with drugs come some seriously clueless people.  It’s easy to think, “Why didn’t he just take one pill?”  But when you’re in the moment, and you don’t want that moment to end, you pop another pill, and another one. Then you basically start ingesting any substance that is put in front of your face.  That’s how drugs work.

I’ve woken up a handful of mornings wondering, “Why did I take that last pill?” and, “What city am I in?” and, “Is that a Bad Boy Bill autograph on my giant rave pants?”

It’s easy to think, “Why didn’t he just take one pill?”

I was lucky enough to never be hospitalized. I still think the long-term effects have something to do with my crippling anxiety, but that’s an entirely different issue that I’m too anxious to talk about.  There are simple things kids can do to NOT die at raves while taking molly or whatever is in that pill with the giant M stamped on it:

1. Drink Water.

What’s the number-one cause of dehydration? LACK OF WATER, DUH.  People who get hospitalized for dehydration (I’m looking at you, Lindsay Lohan) clearly do not understand how the human body works.  Just drink water, even if you’re not thirsty.  You wouldn’t run a marathon without drinking water, so don’t be doing the Dougie for 5 hours in a non-ventilated warehouse without drinking water either.

2. Make sure you know what you’re taking.

Most pills and powder are cut with random things like baking soda or cheaper speed, like meth.  And we all know how fun meth is.  Drug dealers don’t give a sh*t about how “pure” their molly is, so at least try to get drugs from people you can trust. Not the perv psst’ing while you’re peeing in the Porta-Potty.

3. Don’t take too much.

We all remember that friend who didn’t know when to stop, and would talk to you about starting a band at 6am when you just wanted to eat a slice of cold pizza and sleep.  Nothing good comes from taking too many drugs.  You might have an extra hour of feeling high, but it is never worth it. You need to keep those brain cells so you have something to kill the next weekend.

4. DO NOT, under any circumstances, take meth.

It may seem fun at first, but you will get addicted and become one of those scary “faces of meth” photos.  “But Melissa, I don’t have an addictive personality and I know when to stop.” NOPE.  Trust me.  I saw a friend take meth for the first time and the next time I saw him he was in rehab for meth.  Also, don’t do heroin either.  Molly is much more controllable if you only take it occasionally. COOK RICE, NOT ICE.

5. Don’t go to after-parties with people you just met.

The bond you made in da club while DJ Beatz or whatever was playing your favorite jam never translates outside of the sweaty warehouse where you “had a moment.”  That person is almost always more into drugs than you, and will take you to a dungeon full of heroin and weird sex and rosebuds (not what you think). It’s not important how I know this, just that I do.

Being young is the perfect time to do drugs, because you can’t do them once you turn 30.  I mean, you could, but no one wants to be “that creepy older dude” at Coachella with his shirt off, dancing in the middle of the Sahara tent on Sunday night, when everyone with a job has already drove home for the weekend.

God speed, not real speed, and good luck you crazy kids.

*Caution: Don’t listen to this (or any) Tom Waits song if you’re reading this while coming down. 

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