Mouth Like a Trucker?

pucker up.

pucker up.

Would a guy dump a girl if she kisses too hard? — Anonymous.

Normally I would say something like, “It depends on the situation,” or “in the heat of the moment, anything goes.” However, a girl has totally given me the kiss of a Dementor’s mastiff, and yes, it was our last date. One time it was a sixteen-year-old and it was in my parents backyard in high school, so that can probably be chalked up to inexperience, and we’ll give her a pass. The second one was well into college and sober, so if that’s you then you might want to hear this.

The importance of the first kiss is paramount. It’s like the little paper tasting cup at a self-serve frozen yogurt shop: if your lover likes the taste, then they’ll probably fill their cup, and then later, down the road when you know each other well enough, add a whole gang of exotic toppings like cubes of cheesecake and boba and bondage. If the paper cup tries to eat you, you’ll probably crumple it up, toss it, and move on to another flavor; maybe one of those crazy seasonal ones from south of the border. Anyway, I haven’t eaten yet and I’m getting sidetracked.

My point is, I need ice cream.

No, wait, my point is that while a passionate kiss won’t get you dumped, a bad one might sour your chance at a second one. It’s a delicate art to begin with, and so the key word for you ladies is delicate. Be soft and draw us in with your kiss, then as the temperature rises, you can always ramp up the action. In a way, kissing is like conversation, the more quietly you do it, the better you can hear the other person. In the case of a kiss, it’s important to read the other person’s cues to have that cinematic symbiotic smooch, and if you’re bulldozing them with your grill it’s going to have a Tarantino ending.

If this were a male advice column, this would be my cue to sign off with “kiss softly and carry a big stick,” but as U.S. diplomacy has recently undergone an “it’s about time” change, I’ll leave you with this: “I’m undaunted in my quest to amuse myself by constantly changing my hair.” – Hillary C. What that has to do with kissing, you tell me. — Chris Brown

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