Model Motivation

Performance evaluation form

plan B.

I am often asked how I moved from the fashion industry into the world of writing, given the vast dissimilarities between the two. One is strictly surface, the other meaty and dynamic. One requires an education, the other… not so much. My answer? Fear. Yep, good ol’ fear has been the Bunsen in my burner for the last eight years. What kind of fear, you ask? Here’s a short list:

1. Fear of getting older
2. Fear of the younger girls
3. Fear of losing clients
4. Fear of having to care
5. Fear of never being good enough
6. Fear of sounding stupid
7. Fear of having nothing to offer the world
8. Fear of turning thirty
9. Fear of becoming irrelevant
10. Fear of never figuring out what I want to do with my life
11. Fear of being replaced
12. Fear of not mattering
13. Fear of disappointing my family
14. Fear of disappointing myself
15. Fear of wasted opportunity
16. Fear of dependency
17. Fear of weakness
18. Fear of never being heard
19. Fear of losing that voice
20. Fear of losing myself
21. Fear of becoming irrelevant

Whether you’re a model or not, this list is likely universal, given that we all have a ticking time bomb inside of us, reminding us with each and every hand swinging around the clock that time is of the essence. We are here on this earth for a limited amount of time and it is of the utmost importance to make life count, to make a difference, to feel and love and be present. If you’re not getting any of that, it’s time to move on.

My motivation to move forward – leaving behind a decade plus of the fashion industry – is ultimately not a unique desire. We all must change, evolve. My unique problem, however, is that many people see this past life of mine as some sort of pinnacle, a paradigm, a much-coveted carrot that only few people attain. Why would you want to leave? What else could you possibly want to do?  They find it hard to imagine that at any point this golden life was unsatisfying and piecemeal, and, at said point, that I made an effort to do something.

It is on this assumption that I move swiftly in the opposite direction, away from complacence and laziness, past the gilded life and through unknown fields, up the jagged cliffs and hazardous terrain. Onward, onward, onward… that endless battle, that ticking clock. Because it is important to remember that there are many dreams to be had in this life, to conjure up while you’re sleeping and realize while you’re awake. And if it takes fear to climb that mountain, fear to realize that dream, then fear I’ll gladly do.

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