THE FOLLOWING is a totally fictionalized, though potentially real, account of Leonardo DiCaprio talking smack on everyone’s favorite dad, husband, talk show host, oh and movie star, Matt Damon. Leo went on SNL one time. So…what right?
Leo: …then I said to him, “Were you in What’s Eating Gilbert Grape? I don’t think so, so shut your mouth.” I can’t believe that guy. He thinks just because he was that Jerry Maguire guy he can say whatever he wants.
Friend: No that was Tom Cruise.
Leo: Well whatever, he’s a total snooze. No, I’m not babysitting the models I hang out with. I’m dating them.
Friend: Haha, nice one.
Leo: Remember when that asshole was trying to bring clean water to Africa? What a joke. “I’m a philanthropist, blah blah, I went on a 10-day journey through Africa and now I need to make a difference.” Sure you do, Bono. If he wants to make a difference, he should take an acting class! Hahahahaha.
Friend: Haha. Yeah.
Leo: Like no, this newsboy cap is not just for show. You have an Oscar, so what? This was a gift from Christian Bale after he beat me out for that Newsies role.
Friend: You tried out for…
Leo: I mean, Matt Damon is like the Jake Gyllenhaal of boringness. What does he bring to the table other than that Hunting movie? He’s like a cool blogger at BEST. I bet he secretly used Google to solve all those math problems in that movie.
Friend: But that isn’t how…
Leo: Why doesn’t he just marry Ben Affleck? I bet they go to batting cages a lot and talk about life. Haha, how boring. He should just go to that zoo he bought and talk to the Giraffes. Ben Affleck looks like a giraffe.
Friend: No, that wasn’t real, he didn’t…
Leo: You know how easy it is to be Matt Damon? “How do you like that apple, mister?” See, easy, a child could do it! What a talentless hack. Nothing like Jonah Hill. Who cares if he made out with Michael Douglas in that Candle movie? I had to suck hundreds of dicks in Basketball Diaries! HUNDREDS!
Leo: And I even pretended in that one interview that the candle schtick in Wolf was all my idea, because I did it for the character.
Friend: So you didn’t …
Leo: You almost finished? They’re screening The Monuments Men at Soho house at 9. I’m meeting Gisele…
Friend: One more…
Leo: Toni and her 25 model friends there.