The film adaption of Fifty Shades of Grey has stayed true to its literary roots by gathering mixed reviews from critics — like the book, some hate it with a burning passion and others swear that it’s worthy of an Oscar. It’s undeniable, however, that E.L. James’ foray into the world of sexual pain and pleasure has influenced contemporary popular culture since the moment it hit shelves. In some cases, that influence can be dangerous, indeed: according to the U.S. Consumer Product Safety Commission, hospital visits involving sex toys have doubled over the past eight years, with a massive increase around 2012 following the release of the book trilogy. Of course, those hospital visits were of a very serious nature and not funny at all at the time, but sorry, we can’t help it: LOLZ.
What’s generally happening, we assume, in these emergency situations is that a sex toy gets stuck somewhere in someone’s body. There are only so many bodily orifices that a sex toy could fit into to begin with, so just use your imagination and your memory of tenth-grade biology if you’re trying to figure out where these toys could have gotten stuck. Hint: Reportedly, 83% of all sex toy injuries requiring a trip to the doctor in the past ten years have included “foreign body removals.”
Getting a sex toy stuck in your booty is probably a lot better than a live gerbil or something, but still, it’s not a situation that we’re keen on trying to get ourselves into. And these aren’t inexperienced youngsters we’re talking about, either. The study revealed that the average age for males treated for sex toy injuries is 44, and for women it’s 30. The oldest chap that’s been treated was an enterprising 85 year old, which means your grandfather might be more adventurous in bed than you are. Luckily, 71% of the reported injuries were not serious, but that means that 29% were, which actually sounds pretty high if you ask us.
Now, it’s great that more and more people are becoming motivated to explore and expand their horizons when it comes to bedroom playtime, but perhaps it’s time for a little more education about how to properly use those bad boy sex toys. If sex — especially sex that’s considered “kinky,” the kind of sex that can involve using sex toys and other activities — wasn’t still such a taboo subject and could be discussed openly and honestly without fear of embarrassment or judgment, we’d be willing to bet that there would be much fewer injuries and much more satisfaction when it comes to showing yourself (and others!) some love. So, please: can we get a couple of non-pornographic how-to videos on the safe and proper way to use dildos, or at least a FAQ from the CDC, just in case things go wrong? Sex is supposed to be enjoyable, after all, even when you’re pushing your boundaries by giving it a little Fifty Shades-inspired twist.