Ask Him: The Guy I’m Dating Won’t Have Sex With Me


Q: “I’ve been dating a guy for just over two months, and we haven’t had sex yet. We’ve done everything but, though. Whenever I try to initiate sex, he always comes up with an excuse to not do it (like he didn’t bring condoms, and if he did, he has a headache), but I think there has to be some reason why he doesn’t want to that he isn’t telling me. And he’s talked about having long-term girlfriends before, so I don’t think he’s a virgin. Why do you think a guy would decline sex when I’m making it very clear that I want to make it happen?”

A: Well, there’s definitely something abnormal going on there. Guys usually enjoy sex very much, and we tend to do whatever we possibly can to have it with anyone we find attractive. For a man to repeatedly turn down sex when someone he’s dating offers it to him is definitely perplexing. I mean, it goes against all the stereotypes about our uncontrollable hormones and what not. If this kind of occurrence happens enough times in one year, the Earth will be knocked off its axis. It’s science.

There are some reasons, and I will list them with the caveat that each one of these reasons should have been addressed before now. There is no good reason at this point that you shouldn’t know why he won’t toss you one, unless it has something to do with planning to murder you. So if I were you I would demand an answer.

He’s a virgin.

Just because he’s talked about previous long-term relationships doesn’t mean he hasn’t had sex before. He could be lying. He could have dated some kind of Mormon or other type of religious figure, like the Pope (I heard he’s open-minded.) He could BE a religious nut–one of those dudes who think they aren’t sinning if they do “everything but.” (Watch out–he might try to stick it in your butt. Butts don’t make babies, y’all, so they is fair game. That’s on the golden plates.) I’d actually list the religion thing as a reason in bold but I won’t give it its own little sub-section, because if you’ve been with someone for two months and haven’t pegged them as deeply religious, then you don’t deserve to be getting laid.

He’s a premature ejaculator.

One can gauge if this is an issue, on occasion, via oral or manual analysis. But The Sex is mind-blowing. It’s different than anything else in the world. He may be afraid of losing his composure and embarrassing himself.

He has an STD.

DON’T FREAK OUT! Chances of this are pretty slim, because the kind of guy who lets you blow him when he has gonorrhea is the kind of guy who probably wouldn’t hesitate to bone you while afflicted with said disease.

He’s got really high morals but doesn’t really like to talk about them all that much. And these morals actually apply to sleeping only with women he believes have a true shot at being “the one.” Which takes time to figure out.

Again, this is unlikely. I’m pretty sure people like this don’t really exist anymore.

He’s a male anomaly.

For some reason, he’s just not into boning but really likes to do the other stuff. I mean–and I hate myself for going here–isn’t there an episode of Sex and the City where Charlotte dates a guy who just really, really loves going down on girls, and that’s all they ever do sexually? I bet that was based on a real guy, and that there are more of them out there.

The first time he had intercourse his parents came home early from date night, and he didn’t hear them coming through the back door until too late. They saw everything. And when his Dad comprehended what he had witnessed, he suffered an aneurysm. Mom hasn’t been the same since. Sex ruined his life, god damnit! But how is he supposed to tell anyone else about this and the anxiety that even the vaguest thought of vaginal intercourse instills in him without coming off as a total weirdo?

This one would actually be kind of acceptable not to discuss until about the middle of month three.

So hang in there I guess?

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