FANS OF BODY MOD TRENDS, rejoice, and haters, get ready to shake your fists at the sky, because there’s a new fad in town, and it’s headed straight for your vaginas. Contouring of said vaginas, specifically. So next time someone mentions they can’t leave the house without contouring, you won’t be able to help but wonder if they’re talking about their cheeks or, um, their lips. You’re welcome.
This treatment is technically called Intima Protégé, but this is the kind of thing that can’t help but take on a catchy portmanteau, so everyone’s calling it vontouring. And no, it doesn’t involve applying foundation and blush to your labia in strategic places to emphasize bone structure and capitalize on lighting. What actually happens during the process is a non-invasive labioplasty (although when is any procedure involving our lady-bits ever really noninvasive?) that utilizes ultrasound light to stimulate the formation of new collagen. Essentially, they heat up your goods real nice, which is supposed to increase the flexibility of your vagina lips while it tightens them up, all without the true torture of an actual surgical procedure.
(FYI, a traditional vaginal rejuvenation — “rejuvenation” though, lol — involves full-on plastic surgery to the max, reshaping the vagina to restore tightness and/or creating the appearance of any sort of labia one might prefer. Jolly good town, right?)
Okay, maybe we can get the desire for tighter-looking labia, despite the fact that no woman should ever be made to feel that her goods are less worthy — visibly or otherwise — than those of the next gal. We have enough body image issues courtesy of the media/society to deal with without adding how our vaginas look to the list. (By the way, studies have shown that what constitutes a “perfect-looking vagina” is vastly different across the world and even in our own country. And contrary to popular belief, there’s no evidence that having a plump or tight — “perfect,” if you will — vagina makes sex any better.) But what, we can’t help but wonder, is the point of surgically-altered flexible vagina lips? While some studies have found that more vaginal flexibility correlates to less pain experienced during penetration, those same studies have shown that vaginal flexibility is most directly influenced by levels of sexual arousal and state of mind. So yes, you could have a vagina that gives the 2016 US Olympics Gymnastics team a run for its money, but if your heart’s not in it, no amount of training is going to get you that gold. Although, proponents of this spicy procedure are claiming that your new-and-improved collagen-plumped vag will increase your sexual satisfaction. I guess that might be something worth getting the old hoo-ha reupholstered?
Honestly, though — first, mugwort steam baths, now this? In the words of Jay Z, can our vaginas live? (Okay, not his words exactly, but close enough.)