A man walks into a bar… and he’s wearing those shoes. You know, those shoes. The kind with the individually defined toes lauded by Paleo-diet nerds who say the natural state of man (I’ll leave the ladies out of this one) is to be running barefoot through the concrete streets of New York. They’re ergonomic! Liberating! Totally and completely the most hideous! He saddles up to you, offers to buy you anything you want. Heck, he says he’ll even walk over to Barney’s with you and buy you that Burberry coat you’ve had your eye on for the last twelve years. You look down, grappling with the fact that he’ll be walking next to you… in those.
In life, there are fashion deal breakers. A lot of them. A veritable customized line of accessories that were born to be a pox on this planet, whose function sucks the life out of the room like fashion napalm.
Here’s our list of Please Don’t: The Foot Edition.
We know. Your whole tragic life can be summed up in those years living in a proverbial foot prison, confined to the orthodox shapes and soles of cobbler antiquity. Queen’s “I Want To Break Free” has been playing in your head on loop ever since your mom made you swap out the Velcro sneaks for ones with laces. Unfortunately, when we see these toe shoes another song plays in our head, and it sounds like, “I don’t want to sleep with you. Everrr.”
Hermes (the god of travel and trade, not of ascots and handbags) was a real inspiration to you growing up. With winged cankles, we could run faster, jump higher, and never have to worry about that Business Class upgrade ever again. It’s a shame that all these shoes are capable of are making you look like an overgrown three-year old.
Crocs, Uggs, and “Dress Sandals”
No, no, and no.
Want some ideas to help rid your dude’s closet of ugly footwear? Check out Ask Him’s take on the sitch. –Jenny Bahn