ALMOND MILK: AN UPDATE
I am an almond-milk drinker.
I am twenty something years old.
I am an LA girl.
I live in Silverlake.
Actually, Echo Park.
Somewhere between Hollywood and Downtown. I don’t know. I’m not from here.
There’s never any parking on my street but the rent’s a lot cheaper than downtown. I have a roommate I met on Craigslist. She makes videos on YouTube. It’s not so bad. I made my own kombucha once with a culture I bought on the Internet. I’m a millennial.
The first thing I do in the morning is pour myself a cup of cold-brewed coffee from the $8 bottle I get from Whole Foods. I mix it with almond milk. It’s better that way.
I’d probably be able to afford a nicer place if I didn’t spend all my money on expensive coffee, almond milk, and trendy workouts. I eat gluten-free and vegan products, but I don’t have any kind of food intolerance.
But I like the idea that almond milk is a dairy alternative. Because I like the word alternative.
I go to Starbucks and talk to the barista who already knows my order.
Her name is Shea.
She’s an aspiring actress. She takes improv classes and wrote a web series last summer. You can see her show for free on Thursday nights. She’s also a bartender.
Every morning, I drink almond milk, even though I know it’s nothing more than a handful of nuts suspended in tap water, and that it takes a gallon of water to grow a single almond. But real milk feels too corporate. I’d rather spend my money on cleverly packaged nut-water than the bio-waste cow-juice by-product of the Industrial Food Complex. I don’t know. I read that on a blog once.
I have to work as a personal assistant, and do some nannying on the side. I don’t like kids.
Sometimes I talk to my roommate’s psychic.
My best friend was in an Audi commercial once. Sometimes, when we are bored, we smoke weed and talk about going on a juice cleanse. I read her my OKCupid messages out loud and then we watch Netflix and drink wine. I give her some of my Xanax. She has a girlfriend. They met at The Abbey.
A bottle of regular milk from Whole Foods costs $4. Open bottles can be returned for a refund, if they’re glass.
Yoga mats can get slippery if one is not careful.
My best friend from the Audi commercial says that it’s a scandal how many people still drink real milk.
Here is what I can do:
Spend an entire day watching television.
Take an Ambien and sleep-buy a bunch of things I don’t need.
Consume mass amounts of dairy alternative products.
Oh my Lord but my life is fulfilling.