Ask Him: My BF Might Be Gay, and I Kind of like It

Q: “I think my boyfriend might be gay, or at least bisexual. And I kind of like it. WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?”


A: I often wish I knew the people who were posing these questions to me, so that I could do a follow-up interview before writing out any meandering advice. I have so many questions about your situation, but I am left to my own devices to picture a scenario for me to address. As it stands, I have no idea why you think your boyfriend might be gay or why he is entertaining the possibility of “swinging both ways,” as my grandmother would say.

I suppose that was a sort of disclaimer. I will do my best to break this down for you without having a deep level of knowledge about your specific situation.

So let’s get to it.

If you think your boyfriend might be gay, then my first inclination is to assume that the two of you aren’t connecting (at least to your mutual satisfaction) in a sexual way, and that you believe he would prefer to be having sex with a male instead of you. Which is a rather large issue if you’re engaged in an ostensibly heterosexual relationship. If you kind of like that, then it seems to me (without knowing at all about the specifics of why you think this or kind of like it) that you see him more as a platonic comrade than as a lasting significant other.

Which, of course, is perfectly fine. No shame in that game at all. But you should speak with him as soon as possible about your thoughts that you might be serving as his beard. You could be instrumental as a friend in helping him come out of the closet, and in adapting to the way things will change if and when he does. You could be, at least partially, a pillar for him to lean on as he goes public with his homosexuality. And this could lead to a lifelong friendship. (I’m loathe to cite Will and Grace here, but it seems like the most apt pop culture reference for such a situation.)

But before doing this, you should be pretty sure that he’s gay. If he isn’t, this conversation probably isn’t going to go well.

However, if you believe your boyfriend to be bisexual (or at least bi-curious), then there are plenty of reasons you may like that. And there is also no shame in that game if you’re not looking for total monogamy. When you strip away antiquated religious reasons, sex is not just about monogamy or procreation or adhering to a vague societal normalcy. It’s about pleasure. It feels pretty fantastic, the sex, and if you’re down with bringing another man into your bed with your boyfriend and think it might increase the fun of sex things, or even if you’re just curious about your boyfriend having sex with other men—whether you’re physically involved or not—and he feels the same, then go for it. Swing away, is what I say. Many dudes constantly fantasize about their girlfriend bringing another female into the mix, and there’s no reason that you can’t or shouldn’t fantasize about the inverse.

I’m a firm believer that you should explore if you want to, and do what makes you happy or makes you feel good, as long as it’s safe for everyone involved. People will probably judge you if and when you go public with your proclivities, but who gives a f**k? Do what you like, and like what (and/or who) you do, and don’t worry about what other people might say, and don’t have regrets about following through on something you’ve always wanted to try.

As for what it means that you kind of like your boyfriend’s sexual ambiguity, to me it means only that you’re a very open-minded person and you’re willing to entertain notions that go against the societal grain. (And you had nothing to do with the instillation of what society deems normal anyway, so there’s no real reason you should follow or adhere to those outdated norms or guidelines.)

At the end of the day, this is all about having a conversation with your boyfriend and figuring out what it is he wants to do. Make sure that he knows you’re “in the Trust Tree,” that he can expound upon his desires to you, and that you’ll listen and maybe act with an open mind.

And if he wants to try something out that involves his copulating with another guy, and he wants you involved in it, and you’re comfortable with giving it the old college try, then go for it.

Best of luck. I hope that you keep me updated on your potential sexual awakening.

Image Credit: Dina Goldstein

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