Q: “My boyfriend and I play in the same fantasy football league, and we face each other this week for the first time ever. I think we have a lot of opportunity to include some betting in our competition. You know, fun things that only a boyfriend and girlfriend can bet on. Do you have any suggestions for couple fantasy football prop bets?”
A: You bet your sweet ass I do. This is something I’ve thought about before. I have this dream that one day I will end up in a serious monogamous relationship with a woman who enjoys playing fantasy football, and that we will square off and make all kinds of sexual bets to spice up our match-ups. (Having said this, let me know if you ever become single.)
[For the uninitiated, a prop bet (or proposition bet) is a gamble on something that may or may not happen before, during or after a sporting event. In this scenario, you can pit your fantasy players or teams against one another and come up with couple-y rewards for whomever wins the wager.]
Here are a few prop bets I came up with:
- The team who has the best performance from a player in the “flex” position gets to choose three different positions that he or she would like to experience during the couple’s next vigorous bout of sex.
- The ultimate winner — which is to say the team with the highest score — gets to decide on a date destination or activity that they have always wanted to experience. The loser must do all of the planning to make this date happen, and must pay for it in its entirety.
- Another for the ultimate winner: the loser has to wear a T-shirt that says “My Significant Other Is Better At Fantasy Football Than I Am.” And they have to do so on every Sunday for the rest of the season. They also have to wear it on Mondays and Thursdays when their favorite team plays.
- The owner who has a single player with the best points performance is allowed to make the loser change one thing about his or her personal style or appearance for the next week. This can be something you think will make them look better (like he has to shave his goatee or she has to wear her hair down), or something that will make them look absolutely ridiculous. That way, people will ask them about why they have only one eyebrow and they’ll have to be like “Because my girlfriend is better at fantasy football than I am.” Either way is fun, to be honest.
- Whoever’s team has the best performance from its running backs wins its owner an agreed-upon number of errands that the losing owner must complete for the winner at the time of his or her choosing. The loser has to drop everything and run out for, like, some soft pretzels or tampons or whatever it is the winner’s little heart desires.
- The team that has the lower scoring defense must pay the healthcare premium for the other player for the month. Good health care is all about prevention, you know.
- The owner whose receiving corps performs the best is granted one oral sex session to orgasm. If orgasm cannot be achieved, a reasonable alternative request is to be granted to the winner, and it cannot be argued against by the loser. (This one could be a good exercise in faking an orgasm, if you’re an opportunist.)
- The ultimate loser must wait hand and foot on the winner and his or her friends all day long during the next batch of Sunday games. This starts with pregame at noon and ends when the final second ticks off the clock for the Sunday night game.