Ask Him: How Do I Drunk-Text Well?

Q: I am kind of a big drunk texter. Sometimes it gets me in trouble, but other times it really works out in my favor. Could you please give me some manly insight into how I can be a good drunk texter? Because I don’t think I’m ever going to stop completely.


A: Of course I can. And you’re right, you’re probably never going to stop completely. It wouldn’t be as much fun when you’re out drinking to limit yourself to interaction only with the people you’re actually with, and sometimes you’ve got to bust the phone out to test the waters re: people you may be able to potentially have sex with if it doesn’t pan out, again, with anybody you’re actually out with.

Here are some tried and true tips to help you be the best drunk texter you can be.

  • When contemplating sending a drunk text message, the first thing to ask yourself is something like “Is this topic really super serious?” If it is, put your phone back in your pocket or purse and wait until the morning to broach the topic you were contemplating, if in sobriety you decide that you should do so. When you’re hammered and typing, make sure you keep it light, playful, free and/or funny. You probably don’t have the capacities while inebriated to have a really serious life-altering conversation with somebody, and if you do you will fail to make your points as well as you can before you crush eight vodka waters.
  • If you’re on the fence about sending a drunk text, consult your friends, who will be a great barometer for what you should and should not say. Your best bet is to track down the most sober one for his or her input. They’ll shoot you straight on whether you should send or wait.
  • If you’re on the verge of blackout, write your thoughts as notes instead of texts, so that you’ll remember to bring them up to whomever you want to at a later, less hammered time.
  • Be minimalist. The more you type when you’re drunk, the worse it’s going to come out. Your grammar and spelling are going to be sh*t, and chances are that the more verbose and lengthy you get, the more you’re going to lose the plot and confuse the person or freak him or her out.
  • Proofread yourself. Don’t get so passionate about your situation that you’re just firing off text messages all willy-nilly. Drunk typos are common and fine, but at least check to ensure you’re making some semblance of sense.
  • Be positive but not creepy. As we all know, drinking lowers inhibitions and let’s the “real you” out or whatever. And alcohol is a depressant, so sometimes you’re tempted to get dark. Real dark. Shy away from the darkness, but if you find yourself on the total opposite end of the spectrum, make sure you’re reeling your joviality and exuberance in enough that you’re not weirding people out.
  • Stand behind your drunk texts, whatever aftermath they may bring. Being drunk is not an excuse to say something mean or stupid or that you don’t mean to somebody, and this includes text messaging mean or stupid things to people. Have some pride. Don’t be the person who is like “Oh my god I’m so stupid I can’t believe I texted you that stuff last night I’m so sorry I was just so so so so wasted I just couldn’t even!” Being drunk doesn’t mean you should abandon all self-control. I mean, I fell in love with a girl last year who seemed every bit as warm for my form as I was hot for her trot before ghosting on me a few weeks later, and although I contemplate it pretty much every time I get hammered, I have yet to text message her to ask her what in the hell happened or what in the hell I did wrong or to tell her that I would take her back in a heartbeat and I could make her so damn happy if only she’d let me.
  • Never, ever drunk text a co-worker, especially a boss. This is not at all worth it.

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