JOHN KASICH recently made headlines — and probably a few enemies — thanking his women supporters for leaving the kitchen to campaign. The truly bizarre part? Dude had a totally straight face. That alone makes him kind of an outlier when it comes to GOP candidates. It used to be that if you were in the mood for a quality “Make me a sandwich” joke, you had to Google Maps the nearest frat row, or venture to the icky corners of the interwebs where misogynistic, neckbeard-populated sites like Returnofkings reside. But no more! It’s that time again: The Republican electoral primaries, where one need only pay a fraction of attention to the GOP debates and let the sexist LOLs roll. Because let’s be real, the potential POTUSes of the Republican right have footsies planted firmly in their mouths more often, and with more zeal, than a newly flexible baby/my sophomore-year bf with the serious foot fetish/insert your basis of comparison here. And when it comes to these crazies’ quips at the expense of women, it’s been a female-flaming free-for-all.
A quick note about comedy: I’m of the opinion that any topic is fair game for jokes, in theory. (Except for the fact that Ben & Jerry’s discontinued Rainforest Crunch. Show a little respect.) The trick to telling an edgy joke that stays solidly in funny territory without crossing over to cruel is being aware of context — and who or what is the punchline. Flawed societal structures? Or victims of tragedy? In other words, is the humor punching up or down? It’s nuances like these that make this joke a searing, thought-provoking commentary on the nature of pleasure and consent, and this joke just straight-up douchey. And while “tragedy” might be a slightly exaggerative description of what would befall women if a Republican were elected… lol jk it’s actually spot on. Which is why these sexist jokes are really no laughing matter.
Why you gotta be so Mean, John Kasich?
In an embarrassing stab at pop culture, John Kasich casually insinuates that the only reason a young female would be participating in a Town-Hall-style Q&A session at the University of Richmond was to score Taylor Swift tickets. The only way this bizarre and condescending statement might have been slightly, maybe warranted would be if the question-asker was wearing an enormous Taylor Swift concert tee. But check the video — homegirl’s in chill grey cotton. Do you think T-Swift attaches her name to anything chill grey cotton?
Crippling debt, infidelity, and other knee slappers
Not content to simply mock young women voters, Marco Rubio took sexist jokes to a particularly-personal level when, in a debate last October, he recounted explaining to his wife who Sallie Mae was and why she was all up in his bank account. Get it? Women are jealous, suspicious idiots! Oh, that’s rich. And while a small part of me sympathizes with his amusement — come on, it’s a little funny that this agency that condemns you to ramen and self-loathing each month sounds like it’s named after some sweet cartoon cow—come on, Rubio. Your wife works in finance. Pretty sure she’s familiar.
Rubio’s not the only candidate throwing his wife under the bus in the name of comedy. When questioned about Federal Reserve Chair Janet Yellen, Mike Huckabee busted out this little zinger about how, since his wife is named Janet, he knows allllll about Janet Yellen’. First of all, OMG, could you make a dorkier, more eye-roll-inducing dad joke if you tried? I’m surprised Huck didn’t break out in spontaneous khakis and a tool belt on the spot. Also, and honestly, being the wife of a presidential candidate seems hellish — all boring speeches and ruthless media critiquing your horrible outfits. Poor Janet would have ample reason to yell even if she wasn’t married to a pun-loving dude who has zero qualms about making her the butt of his lame ass jokes.
Every single word that has been dumped out of Trump’s mouth
Going through Trump’s lady-hating one-liners to find the most sexist is kinda like attempting to pass your stats final hungover — definitely daunting, probably impossible, and more likely than not to make you puke on your favorite purple Converse. (Or so I’ve heard.) That being said, I take the most offense at the time he called Ted Cruz a pussy. Sure, it’s a sleeper compared to the “Megyn Kelly’s bleeding out of her… whatever” debacle or the classic “Can you imagine a president with a face like hers?” incident, but it alone holds the distinction of single-handedly destroying my sex drive. Hearing the word “pussy” from Trump’s blubbery man-child lips has been enough to effectively dry me up indefinitely. Well, at least that leaves me more time for cooking, right, Kasich?