The Neverending Debate: When to Give it Up

convoSetting aside for a moment the question of who “they” are in a “they say” situation and forgiving how crass the analogy is to begin with…

They say: why would he buy the cow when he can get the milk for free? I see the point. But someone else might argue: what if he didn’t know he wanted the cow until he tasted the milk, really liked said milk, and decided he didn’t want anyone else to taste the milk or buy the cow? Huh.

Listen, this has been a question wrangling the female psyche for eons. When is the “appropriate” time to give it up? Reality is, no matter how often we thoerize or bring science into the debate there is no “right” answer.

Different people are looking for totally different dating experiences, or ahem, different strokes for different folks.

Let’s review some popular milestones for giving it up and their potential pros and cons.

The First Night

First nights include first dates and you want to get out of here? bar hook-ups.

Downsides include: the possibility of never hearing from him again, drunk goggles, getting “caught up” too quickly, figuring out that you’re not interested in taking it further but that he is and has already made dinner reservations for the next night, and having to come up with a better story about how you met if you meet his mom somewhere down the line.

The upsides include: you had enough chemistry to get in the sack to begin with, doing the deed in general, getting to know someone quickly on an intimate level, knowing what to expect on subsequent dates, and if you go to his place you can scope out how impressive his cleaning habits are when he’s not expecting a visitor.

A Few Great Dates In                

If you wait to get physical with someone until you’ve had a few standard dates, the upsides are that you might feel a different level of trust with the guy, be more relaxed, already know that you consider him dateable/know that he’s not super rude to the wait staff, and have some fun pining time between kissing opportunities. Plus if he drops out of the game before you get in bed, you can count your lucky stars that it didn’t go further.

Downsides include: patience, navigating the “are we dating or not phase,” and of course the possibility of one person finding out the chemistry isn’t exactly there while the other is still invested.


The upside to waiting until you’re in a committed relationship is that you can keep dating different people in the meantime with less drama, you can be certain that this dude is into you no matter when happens when you eventually get down, it will be an unmistakable feeling when you’re really ready, and there’s the element of safety you might feel about knowing all of that.

The downsides are potentially having to kick otherwise nice guys to the curb who don’t match your morals, wondering if he’s getting it somewhere else in the meantime, and then of course the whole not having any sex thing.

There are men who would not consider a woman dateable if she slept with him too quickly, and there are men who would not sleep with a woman if he didn’t consider her dateable in the first place. It’s the whole chicken and the egg debate.

Does great sex lead to great relationships? Or do great relationships pave the way for great sex? We don’t know. What we do know is that chicks and their eggs make babies, so if you’re not into having one, practice safe sex and do what works for you. The right guy won’t be able to stay away, no matter what you throw at him.

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