I Almost Died: The Great Juice Detox Experiment


I arrive at the juice place early to pick up the last two days of my detox. I am two pounds lighter (not abnormal for the morning) and not in a good mood. The polite man who helped me the day before asked me how I was feeling. I told him I was gagging on my second green smoothie last night but thankfully did not have an appetite at that moment. My ability to filter my pie hole is astonishing. He offers me hot water with lemon, which I accept graciously, and he warns me that it is extremely hot. I shove a straw in the cup, which promptly melts, and then decide to put my mouth on it anyway. I immediately burn my tongue, but I am oddly grateful because maybe now I will taste less of the seasonal greens about to go down my throat.

9:15AM: I attempt to get the first green smoothie down my throat. The detox instructs that you chew the smoothies for digestive purposes. Please, be my guest and the next time you get a well-blended smoothie, try to chew it. Try to chew water while you’re at it and let me know how well that works. Try chewing air. Just do it for me.

9:30AM: Still chewing/choking/complaining.

9:36AM: I throw the rest of my algae chunks away.

10:34AM: I take another Soother booster. My coworkers talk about burgers and fries for lunch and I scream about how the bananas are going rotten, someone should eat one, and no one cares.

11:28AM: I’m drinking grass again. But this time it tastes like the lawnmower plowed over an angry lawn because it’s sour as sh*t and so is my attitude.

12:15PM: Another juice. This time it’s pineapple, cucumber and mint. It tastes like cucumber and mint, which is traumatic particularly because I love pineapple. Mainly because of its high sugar content.

12:35PM: My two extra-thin coworkers roll into the kitchen with double bacon BBQ cheeseburgers and fries. It smells like a BBQ from the gods! I get up from my office and creepily stare at them from behind a corner wall. I finally walk into the kitchen feeling defeated, and they launch into a speech on how this is useless, what’s the point of doing this for only three days, Pick Up Stix costs like 1/100 of the price and is a thousand times times more delicious. These are our real conversations. Then another coworker comes in and tells me she thinks I should have taken a different path also, and then says I’ll screw up any good I achieve over the weekend and gain back any weight lost anyway on a pizza binge. She then clearly states that she will be deliberately avoiding me tomorrow, as she knows what to expect from me on day three of my liquid diet. CAN A STARVING ARTIST GET A LITTLE SUPPORT AROUND HERE? I ask if I can eat one Skittle and get a unanimous “NO!”

1:57PM: Another Soother booster. I’m so hungry. I shake my fists at the sky. WHY!? I don’t even want real food. I would trade a limb for just a Chai Tea Latte from Starbucks, yet all I get is fire and synthesized turf.

2:30PM: I’m running low on my rations for the rest of the day. Two more smoothies: one green, which makes me think I’d even starve rather than drink again, and one booster shot. I drink an Acai smoothie and I am legitimately terrified because I am 400% starving and I hate the green smoothie and I don’t think I can make it through the rest of the day/night unless someone gets me in a choke hold till I drift off to a happier place.

3:03PM: I am starting to give up. I make sure no one is looking and I grab five Skittles (two purple, two red, one green). I don’t care! Judge me! I’m vanishing! Moribund! If I could return tomorrow’s juice I would do it in a heartbeat. Maybe my coworkers are right. WHAT IS THE POINT OF THE TORTURE? I’m already conjuring up the fattiest round of meals I can think of for the day after this ends, which is exactly what the instructions tell you not to do. I’ve lost the ability to read so I can’t technically be held accountable for what I should do anymore.

5:45PM: Not to be dramatic but I am pretty sure I am going to pass out. I drink the Immunity booster and thank god the cayenne pepper seems to stave off my hunger for a brief moment so I can make it home without sudden death behind the wheel.

6:00PM: As I drive home, I take note of every In-N-Out, McDonald’s, Taco Bell, Pizza Hut, or basically any food establishment I drive by. I fantasize about everything I want from each of them. I could easily pull off the freeway and Double Double my way out of this self-inflicted purgatory. I am entering into a real existential crisis here. CAN I DO THIS? Yes, I think I can. Do I WANT to do this? Not in the slightest. My “wants” typically trump what I “should” do, but I put nearly all my discretionary income on the line for this and I’ll be damned if I fail now.

7:00PM: I shower and convince myself I may lose consciousness at any moment and have to lie down immediately. I begrudgingly take my final green smoothie of the night and slurp it down indignantly. I feel like there are amoebas in this murky green sludge. I consider my safety. It’s 7:00PM, I’m laying in bed, coffin style, authoring the run-down of my day, with no intention of getting back up till tomorrow. I do, however turn to Google in this dire time of need and ask what to do if you are on a juice cleanse and you get too hungry. At the height of my nadir, Google offers no help.

Goodnight. I hope not forever.

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