The other day, during a Gchat conversation with one of my best guy friends, my phone vibrated and a six-pack of Yuengling appeared on the screen. The source of this spirited greeting? My latest match from Tinder, that nebulous dating/hookup/people-meeting app, and the most recent venture in my ever-frustrating search for a better half.
“Why did this guy just send me a picture of beer?” I wondered to my pal.
“Sometimes, I think Tinder produces more questions than answers,” he replied.
He was totally right. Maybe it’s the rapid-fire interface — swipe left, swipe left, swipe left, swipe le–oh, wait, he’s cute, swipe right! Maybe it’s the lack of context that comes with a barrage of photos and tiny blurbs of text. Maybe it’s the location-based search that connects you with both locals and hotties on vacation. Whatever it may be, I’m continually baffled by the sights that I see on a daily basis. So baffled, in fact, that I decided to compile a list of the questions I ask myself most frequently during any given swipe session.
Is That Your Child?
The tyke is getting prime real estate in your default picture, so they must be pretty important to you. But they’re only in that one picture, so I guess they could be your nephew. Or a friend’s spawn. I’m totally cool if it’s your kid, because they look cute as a button, but please believe me when I say that I don’t want no baby mama drama. Let’s clear this up ASAP, please.
Why Do You Have So Many Shirtless Bathroom Selfies?
You have six spaces, for six different photos. You could include a fun shot of yourself backpacking in Europe. Or lounging on the beach. Or drinking a Big Gulp in front of a friggin’ 7-11, for goodness sakes. Instead, you selected six bare-chested snaps, all taken at slightly different angles in front of the same scummy bathroom mirror. Don’t even get me started on the terrible fluorescent lighting. Left swipe.
Which One Are You In This 5-Person Group Photo?
I scroll to the next photo in hopes of finding clarity. Nope! Just another big, dumb group picture from last weekend at da club. If you think I’m going to toggle between the two to compare faces and figure out which popped collar is yours, you’re sorely mistaken. Ain’t nobody got time for that.
Who Really Cares About Your Height?
I noticed this trend immediately during my first few Tinder adventures, and I still don’t get it. There, in the space that’s designated for a bio and/or tagline: “6’2.” Nothing more. Nothing less. Sure, height can be relatively important when considering a mate; I’m personally fond of tall men, if we’re being completely honest. But out of all the tidbits that you could share about yourself, you decided to pick a stat from your driver’s license? Nuh-uh, honey.