everyone’s doing it, apparently.
ALTHOUGH MONOGAMY technically only means having one sexual partner throughout one’s life or at any given time (for the serialists out there), it’s gone from the biological realm to become associated with a lot of high-minded abstract concepts, like commitment, loyalty, and love. Humans are among the three to five percent of all species that choose a single mate for their entire lives. Monogamy is so rare because, quite frankly, it makes no sense, at least from an evolutionary standpoint. Why would you choose a single mate to continue your genetic lineage when you could cover so much more ground, so to speak, with more partners? And when it comes to childrearing, taking care of and raising young is much easier when you have several partners to take on the task. There are only a handful of species who engage in sex for reasons other than reproduction (sup, dolphins), but when it comes to humans, you often hear about monogamous relationships suffering from a lack of “spark” or passion when it comes to sex. You know what would cure boredom in the bedroom? A completely new person to play around with. Just saying. Now I’m obviously not saying we’re anywhere close to living like the majority of the animal kingdom, since our culture still highly merits the values of a monogamous lifestyle and the way society is set up is designed to perpetuate that. There is a definite shift in acceptance towards experimentation, though.
In my Variations in Sexuality course in college, our professor had two of her previous students who were in a polygamous relationship come in and talk to us about their lifestyle. Before I go on, I want to clear up some confusion about the various terms that describe a non-monogamous relationship. The couple that came and talked to my class was a heterosexual couple; they were in a serious relationship with each other, but the male partner was in serious relationships with multiple other women and the female partner was in serious relationships with multiple other men. At my ripe old age of 19, I found it all extremely fascinating — but also very foreign. They were describing something to me that I thought didn’t really exist except for in weird cults. Goes to show how naive I was at the time; polygamy is still not necessarily a common practice, but it’s certainly not unheard of, either. The great thing about becoming an adult — or, at least, getting biologically older — is that your worldview is bound to get bigger as you come across alternatives to what you took for granted before. Like threesomes.
It seems that’s theres a noticeable recent upswing in couples and individuals discussing the merits of having threesome. There’s an offshoot app from Tinder called 3nder, where couples and individuals can set up profiles to specifically find someone to have a threesome with them. A survey conducted in 2013 by DatingAdvice.com claimed that as much as 19% percent of people have been involved in a threesome at some point in their lives — if that number is true, it can only have increased in the last few years. Despite our puritanical mores, ménage à trois is something that a lot of people are thinking about. To get an in-depth look at the dynamics of a threesome from all perspectives, I spoke with a couple and an individual who have all had experience with threesomes.
Sarah* and Matt* are two heterosexual individuals who have been in a serious relationship for a little over a year. Sarah does not consider herself exclusively heterosexual and wanted to invite another woman to have sex with them, not only because she is attracted to women and is curious, but because she wanted to try something new with their sex life. Matt agreed and they invited one of their friends whom they had always found attractive and knew was also interested in both men and women — Mary* — into their bedroom. Although they both enjoyed the experience and were willing to try a threesome with another woman again, they believe they made a mistake in inviting a friend into their bed. Mary developed feelings for both of them and wanted to be in a three-way relationship with them, which they were not interested in.
The individual I talked to — Karen* — was involved in a threesome with two men. She went over to a guy’s house she had just been on a Tinder date with to continue having drinks. Her date’s roommate was home, who joined them in drinking and then a game of strip poker. Several drinks and several articles of clothing later, Karen said she was making out with both of them separately, as both of the men were exclusively heterosexual. They all agreed to the threesome, but both men were very clear that they were not interested in touching each other sexually at all.
It’s obvious that the world of threesomes is as complicated and nuanced as the world of monogamy. I’m going to make a bold claim here, though — I believe our species’ stepping-stone to a more open-minded and sexually expressive culture is through breaking the conventional standards of sex that our society values currently. If you’re going to experiment with threesomes, the one thing to keep in mind — that all of my interviewees agreed with, as well — was to set ground rules beforehand or to have a safe word to make sure everyone is still comfortable and having fun.
Cover Image Credit: Ryan Stuart/Corbis
