It's Not Turning Tricks or Treat

I don’t like dressing up for parties and holidays. I didn’t like it during the hot minute I was in a sorority and had to dress up as an “office ho” to a fraternity’s “CEO’s, ” nor am I into Halloween as an adult. I usually try to get away with the least costumey costume possible i.e. wearing my normal clothes and passing it off as a costume. I don’t do the Officer Nasty policewoman wearing a corset and underwear or a sexy beer maiden or a naughty nurse. I don’t get it. Yes it’s unofficially crowned the one day it’s acceptable to dress like a floozy in public, but now that we have Instagram and more selfies than paparazzi photos it’s not like Halloween is the only time of year to show off the goods anymore.

Given my lack of enthusiasm for Halloween I decided to start brainstorming early. I usually veer in the pop culture direction. The first idea that popped into my head was to get a ratty blonde synthetic wig and go as Amanda Bynes. But in the wake of her legitimate mental problems I decided against it. So what else was popular this year? Ah, I’ve got it! I’ll go as one of the girls from Robin Thicke’s, Blurred Lines video- the version where they’re clothed, obviously.

It would take a minimum amount of effort and one trip to American Apparel for a nude colored bandeau bra and booty shorts. I would grab some red lipstick and write #Thicke on my stomach in case there was any confusion that I was a video girl and not Miley. That’s when it donned on me. I chose a slutty Halloween costume. My first slutty Halloween costume. And I’ll be thirty.



Technically I know that this costume would cover just as much as a bathing suit at the beach but I wouldn’t be at the beach, I’d be walking around, drinking, and dancing. I started to have an anxiety attack when I realized my costume idea is inappropriate.

Ladies, how do you know if you’re too old for a “less is more” costume? Here are my rules:

1) If you’ve been called ma’am in the last year

2) If you’re closer in age to a Real Housewife than a contestant on Toddlers In Tiaras

3) If you’re a parent

And what are more acceptable costume choices?

1) Pretty much anything you used to wear, just remove the word sexy from the title and add at least two inches to the bottom.

2) Intelligent Costumes- Last year I saw a guy with gray paint swatches pinned to his shirt. He was 50 Shades of Gray and while the book might arouse your body, the fact that he put thought into it aroused my mind. The same is true for men so ladies take note.

While everyone has their own idea of what age it’s time to start covering up instead of showing off, please remember that in a sea of skin, some clothing might make you stand out. It’s back to the drawing board for me. Happy Halloween!

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