Look Ma, No Hands: Hands-Free Porn

"Oh, shoot. I hope I strapped my phone to my thigh, don't wanna miss the latest vid on Pornhub!"

i’m creepy!

The porn industry is estimated to be worth about a billion dollars. That’s a hefty chunk of change, and rightly so: porn is ubiquitous nowadays. You can get porn anywhere you want. You can get it any way you want. You can get any variety you want- no judgment. But I’m sorry, when a friend forwarded me an email featuring a new leg strap device for users to attach their smartphones to create a hands-free porn viewing experience? That crossed the line. Hands-free porn. First of all, can we please all get on board and agree that this is a misnomer? Maybe you don’t need your hands to hold your device but the entire point of porn is that it’s a “hands-on” activity.

So how does this nifty little gadget work? This strap attaches around your leg and has a holder for your smart phone so you can prop your smart phone up lengthwise (pun intended) and can have what they call “free hands” and a “free mind.” Aside from the fact that this device is 100% unnecessary for anyone to view porn, do you know what pisses me off? The person that thought of and patented this device is going to be rich.

The person that thought of and patented this device is going to be rich.

I’m not just talking about buying-a-house-in-the-Hollywood-Hills-rich. No, they’re going to be raking in so much dough they’re going to be buy-so-much-property-you-can call-it-an-estate-or-a-manor rich. A Downton Abbey built on the shoulders (or thighs) of the porn industry.

Don’t get me wrong. I think porn is great. It is even sometimes a helpful outlet for us to find or fulfill certain fantasies that we might be too prudish or squeamish to fulfill in life, but devices like this take it too far. It’s things like this that turn it from a healthy release into an unhealthy obsession. 4o million Americans are regular visitors to porn sites and about 200,000 of those are porn addicts (defined as viewers looking at porn 11 or more hours per week). That’s a lot of people watching a lot of porn. Whatever anyone does on his or her own time is that person’s own business, but I personally feel that taking the last remaining piece of effort out of a leisure activity like watching porn could make the above statistics skyrocket. When it comes to hands-free porn, I beg of you- take the hands-on approach and just say no!

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