An Open Letter to Selena Gomez

your bf's still a douchebag.

your bf’s still a douchebag.

Hey Girl—

I’m writing today mostly to ask:

What in the hell are you doing?


What in the hell is wrong with you?


Do you have zero respect for yourself, or for the people who have been your fans for years, or for the potential implications your recent transgressions and decisions have had on what will ultimately be your legacy?

I’m sure you already know what this is about. It’s about your decision to maintain a romantic relationship with Justin Bieber, the young man who is very close to Vladimir Putin on the “Douchebags Everybody In Their Right Minds Hates With A Burning Passion” continuum.

I can’t be the only person offering unbidden words chastising you for your cheercision to constantly run back to that stupid hoser with a Gillian Michaels physique and a hybrid Ellen DeGeneres / Miley Cyrus haircut.

Here’s something you should think about: if everyone around you is telling you a guy is bad news, then he probably is really bad news, and not in the way that Fonzi was bad news. That dude was charming and not really a prick at all. Bieber is somebody whose charisma and overall attractiveness dwindles on a near-daily basis. I mean, you’ve seen the video of his deposition, right? How is it possible for you not to cringe watching that and realizing that that person has been inside of you, even though you are widely renowned as one of the best-looking young celebrities out there? I mean, you could have your pick, for the most part, and trust me: there are many, many better picks than Justin Bieber.

You should also consider that you have potential. Bieber does not. Yes, you’re both good-looking, and maybe moderately talented at best, but Bieber is going to crash and burn. It won’t be long before he’s doing meth and living in a small two-bedroom apartment in Reno with Aaron Carter.

But you, Selena, you can have some sort of staying power. Moderately talented pretty girls are the people who build the longest and most lucrative celebrity tenures, especially if they can kind of sing. (See: Taylor Swift, Rihanna, Zooey Deschanel, et. al.) You can spend your twenties doing all kinds of acting and singing gigs without working all that hard, and then in your thirties and forties you can be in a couple rom-coms, and maybe even leverage that into a pretty decent role on a sitcom.

But you’ve gotta ditch Bieber. Dude is dead weight. You will gain nothing personally from being with him, and you will gain nothing that will positively help your career. You’re in your early 20s. Ask yourself in earnest if you really want to spend that beautiful, youthful decade attached to some wrongfully entitled and insufferable Canuck.

I can only assume you keep going back to him because of some unjustified bout of low self-esteem. It’s very important you get yourself out of this psychological rut, because it isn’t just about you. If you were some woman nobody knew who was going to live out her life in a trailer with some a-hole husband, that’d be fine. Nobody would care. But you’re in the public eye. You’re a girl that, for a number of reasons (many of them nonsensical), is looked up to by young girls all over the world.

By breaking up with Bieber, publicly denouncing his inarguably reprehensible behavior, and then mocking him in a few SNL sketches or Funny or Die videos, you can send a very powerful message to those girls who are considering running back to a-holes: that they can—and should—do better.  They’ll listen to you.

You can be a beacon of hope in these troubled times—a girl who refused to settle for the trash and instead pursued a better man or men.

So do it for the kids, Gomez.

Ditch Bieber.


All the best,


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