In the news: revolutionizing what we pull up over our butts. Move over Levi’s and La Perla, the newest kids in town are fart blockers, cellulite smashers, and convenient anti rape tools. Empowerment, right?
Sometimes you take off your skinny jeans and you think man, I wish these could work a little harder for me. Well Brazilian designer Alexandre Herchcovitch has an idea. His “beauty denim” creation essentially turns your lower body heat into super-powered fat blasting infrared rays. Infrared if you don’t know, is nestled right between visible light and microwave rays on the radiation spectrum. His runway models debuting the product looked skinny and fab if that’s any indicator, but probably not.
While you’re waiting for test results on your body’s ability to kill it’s own cellulite, let’s focus next on what’s coming out of your panties. It’s anti-flatulence time! Now these bad boy panties don’t stop you from farting so don’t get too excited, but what they claim to do is neutralize any of the smells that might be trying to escape; killing smells up to 200 times the average stink. Like a diaper laced with Febreeze! Neat-o. Believe it or not there a few different companies cashing in on our distaste for bodily functions, including one that uses an activated charcoal cloth pad and one that uses a carbon cloth. The delightfully named company Shreddies has said: “It’s a product for everybody, because everyone farts.” Is this technology fool-proof? We don’t want people getting too comfortable and having ill-timed dutch oven malfunctions in elevators. Elevators are awkward enough as it is. So anyway…how did the testing process go down for these super-powered skivvies?
Or perhaps you don’t fart or have cellulite at all and are living in constant fear of a surprise sexual assault. No fear, my dear! Let’s get you strapped into a modern day chastity belt. New York based company AR Wear offers an anti rape panty that gets its power from a unique strap and lock formation that fits over your entire pelvic area. It’s equipped with anti-cut straps and webbing over the thighs and waist so no one can pry it open, and unlocks with a two-hands clock style lock to which only you have the combo. They suggest wearing it on blind dates, to go clubbing, and even on evening run–which would seem to allude to its comfort and discretion although it’s hard to picture. What if your blind date ends with intentional sexy time? “Oh this monstrosity? These are just my anti-rape panties because I’m prepared for the absolute worst at all times. When are you taking me out again?”
If you really want to deter the men you can always pair your chastity belt with ChinaSMACK’s anti-rape “revolutionary hairy leg hosiery.” No one will want to get in there. But by no one, we mean absolutely no one.