SO THE BRITS, my aunt Linda, and other people who might kind of benefit from getting a life, are abuzz with the UK’s newest pint-sized fashion plate. Prince George is maybe the world’s best-looking ginger (sorry Harry), and while he might not have tons of competition, it’s still pretty impressive for a guy only a year old. His most recent statement piece is a pair of red and white striped overalls. To that I can only say, blimey! Now let’s see what you can do about toe socks, kid.
1. If I Hear One More “Uggly Uggs” Joke…
K, George, let’s talk footwear. You were but a gleam in your dad’s beady royal eye back then, but there was a time when UGGS were the coolest thing ever. Wearing them implied “I’m a well-liked, well-adjusted young woman who might administer the occasional HJ in the Cheesecake Factory parking lot, but otherwise I keep it pretty classy.” Those glory days are over. Now it says, “I’m eleven. I scream in Starbucks.” And that is really unfortunate, George. Because it’s rare that cool kid footwear and comfort actually overlap. Ask my stiletto-ravaged toes if you don’t believe me.
2. Butterfly Clips are Like Butterfly Kisses for Your Scalp
Now, hold on. I know butterfly clips are not generally worn by boys. And I know that you are technically male. But have you seen yourself in that christening gown? (See above.) You in hair clips would really not be much of a stretch. Do me a solid and make these metallic beauts bitchin’ again, will you? All you need to do is pick up a four-pack at CVS and pin back your bangs— or fringe as they say on your side of the pond. You could start a hair accessory revolution before nap time while looking stylishly androgynous. Very high fashion.
3. It’s to Tie-Dye for
Sometimes life throws you a curve ball. One minute you’re on top of the world, reveling in your multi-colored awesomeness, strutting your stuff, and the next you’re getting funny looks for your head-to-toe dyed demeanor, until the day you finally cave, shamed into banishing your rotation of technicolor tees to just bed and the gym. (OK fine, just bed.) Valiant Prince G, only you can right this wrong. Put on some tie-dye and bring the sunshine back to my life. The sweet, DIY, cotton-polyester blend sunshine. Move over, Jerry Garcia. There’s a new psychedelic icon in town! And he’s crawling this way.
4. Hats Off for Hats!
Maybe it’s the little punctuation of sass they add to even the most banal ensemble. Maybe it’s the dizzying array of styles and sizes they come in. Maybe it’s my aversion to combing my hair. But there’s just something about hats. I hate to keep ripping on your red hair, little dude (just kidding I actually love to) but someone someday is gonna not give a rip that you’re the future monarch of one of Europe’s oldest, proudest nations. They’re gonna make a “Gingers don’t have souls” joke. And you’re gonna want to Cover. That. S**t. Up. If nothing else, you’re Princess Di’s grandson. Don’t you owe it to her memory to rock some massive head wear?
5. Live Life Like It’s a Massive Slumber Party
Can we please just make pajamas in public socially acceptable once and for all? Like not just in college towns and Happy Donuts at midnight, but everywhere. Do you know how exhausting it is to live in a world where you’re judged for walking around town in the clothes you slept in? Almost as exhausting as getting dressed. (I assume.) Georgie boy, you’re a baby. A baby who drools all over a solid gold pacifier, granted, but all babies are kind of the same. Little lumps of dough without a care in the world. Life is one long, blissful nap right now. But years from now, you’ll be writing a term paper. It’ll be raining. You’ll want to hop in your double-decker bus and grab some Red Bull from the corner store. But first you’ll have to put on your jeans. And you’ll think, damn. I really should have made public pj’s a thing.