Some fashions, like goldfish, have a short lifespan. Madonna’s pointy bras? Yeah, never going to be mainstream. Others are mercilessly reincarnated in a Circle of Life, managing to edge their way into the global fashion consciousness in some form in another decade. Remember flared jeans? Those were pants trying to be big-girl bell bottoms but were just too shy to balloon into all their rounded bell glory. At one point, they were all the rage, but they’ve now receded against the wave of ever-shrinking skinnies and jeggings. Or what about ruffly off-the-shoulder peasant tops, which emerged again somewhere in my high school years, then vanished just as quickly, sucked back up into the closet of obscure-dom?
Point is, though fashion is a what-goes-around-comes-around machine of revolving, recycled designs, there’s a certain point when brave souls must say enough and take the axe to crop tops and harem pants and too much lace. I’m not sure how much more the world can handle cheap, scratchy lace lazily slapped onto hems, necklines and transparent cutouts repackaged into Forever 21 copycats.
There are three major fashion sins that should be trash-bagged and locked onto the next capsule heading into outer space: Overalls, drop crotch pants and capris. Honorable mentions: Peplums (my goodness are we on an overdose of peplums).
So, we say farewell to these funky fashions with final odes to their honor and service. It’s been real, y’all. We bid you adieu.*
Oh denim overalls, you snaggletooth of the hybrid family. You’re not quite pants, not quite bib. And you certainly don’t count as a tank top or shirt. But boy are you a functional one-piece. A worker’s uniform, you keep dirt and mud from sliding into our pant legs. You’re no fuss — none of that annoying pulling-of-the-belt-loops to keep our pants from falling down and causing a wardrobe crack malfunction. Nope. You stay sturdy with those button clasps and shoulder straps like car seat belts. You get the job done. Hats off to ya.
Drop crotch pants
Drop crotch pants, there is no polite way to describe the way you stir the imagination of bowel activity. You may be avant-garde, and praised by Heidi Klum in a “Project Runway” challenge. Hell, you may even be comfortable. But there’s no escaping the fact that you serve no function except as farce. We can’t wear you to work. We can’t really wear you to the grocery store. We might be able to wear you to the gym. We’re fairly certain that drapery around the hips does no woman good, even if she is a 6-foot-tall model with spider-long legs. But you make us laugh, drop crotch pants, and maybe comedy is function enough.
Capris, clamdiggers, pedal pushers… You aren’t so much of a sartorial offense as a vehicle for poor styling. A lady could certainly pull these off with elegance and grace, as Audrey Hepburn’s gamine outfits have taught us. But nowadays you’ve been relegated to a no man’s land of hiking cargo pants and yoga pants, any activity that requires air around sweaty calves. The truth is, capris, you highlight the bulky, meaty muscle that most women want to hide. And for that reason, we just can’t allow you to further exist.
*Of course, we wouldn’t really ban any of these from a private dance party in the middle of the night as you croon to 90s tunes. Nor would we judge you if these really are your everyday clothes. Because apparently, overalls are kind of in. You do you!
What about you? What are your top “yuck” fashions?