Fashion Forecast: Next Year’s Trendy Body Part

peachesVOGUE knows things. They’ve been reading the Internet and they know about what’s cool. They watched Nicki Minaj’s “Anaconda” video, they waited “eagerly” for Jennifer Lopez and Iggy Azalea’s “Booty” video to be released, and they saw Jen Selter’s Instagram, concluding that “the big booty [there’s just one!] has become ubiquitous.” According to Vogue, “we’re officially in the era of the big booty.” Let it be known that we are living in the Golden Age of the Butt. It’s an exciting time to be alive.

Besides being tone-deaf and reeking of Christopher Columbus, Vogue’s feature on butts is problematic and uncomfortable to read for several reasons. First, let’s be clear: the video for “Booty” is not that good. As Alison Herman of Flavorwire writes, the video “looks like the result of the world’s worst record exec hypothetical: “What if we made ‘Anaconda,’ but without the fun, relevance, or gleeful destruction of phallic symbols? Also, let’s put Iggy Azalea in there.” It’s super, super boring. Also, Jennifer Lopez’s butt has been around for a while. ALL BUTTS have been around for a while. Body parts can’t be “discovered!” That’s just not how butts, or any body part, work. Butts aren’t new, they’re not a trend, and people have been having them and loving them since the dawn of time, which the writer of the Vogue piece doesn’t seem to grasp.

The Cut’s Allison P. Davis elucidates the matter for us: “suggesting that the booty has been shunned by larger culture is ignoring much of black and Latina culture, where an ass that can shred a sample size has always been celebrated. Besides, Vogue is completely misunderstanding the cultural moment the ass is having […] When Nicki Minaj sings, ‘[F**k] those skinny bitches in the club / I wanna see all the big fat-ass bitches in the [motherf**king] club,’ she isn’t saying, Thank God the world (and Vogue) is finally okay with the curves that I have been given. I was not validated before this explanation. She’s saying, People have been celebrating this ass in these jeans for some time now; keep up.

Also, this line from the Vogue piece just kills me:

“… in music videos, in Instagram photos, and on today’s most popular celebrities, the measure of sex appeal is inextricably linked to the prominence of a woman’s behind… It’s safe to say that, this time around, the world is thoroughly ready for the jelly.”

All I got was “Kids these days, with their Instagrams, going on about the jelly.”

One of the many (many) problems with Vogue’s declaration that butts are finally socially-acceptable and trendy is that trends are, by definition, temporary, which means there will likely come a time when butts stop being cool. But as the trend cycle of life goes, another trend will sooner or later come around to replace it, and if we live in a world where we write trend pieces on body parts, I can only conclude that there will be another trending body part soon enough when butts go out of fashion. Which is why I’ve created a list that predicts next season’s most fashionable body parts for those who wish to stay up -to-date:

Armpit vaginas
What’s not to love about armpit vaginas? The flabby crease that forms where the boob meets the pit, armpit vaginas are low maintenance, versatile, and can be worn day or night. Armpit vaginas don’t usually begin to appear until the warmer months, which gives you plenty of time to really get a head start on cultivating yours.

So often left flaky and neglected, the sex appeal of the lowly elbow is vastly under-appreciated. Next season is sure to be a big moment for for elbows.

Currently wallowing in the shadow cast by much-celebrated and on-trend butts, it’s hard to say if boobs will ever regain their former glory. While nice boobs never really go out of style, they are a bit played out. Side-boob, under-boob, front-boob, top-boob, we’ve seen it all at this point. However, the classic, timeless appeal of the boob never fails to turn heads, so it’s fair to say that boobs could be poised for a comeback in Spring 2015.

Toe Cleavage
Boob cleavage is out. Toe cleavage is in. Do yourself a favor and get in on the ground floor before this one takes off.

Belly Buttons
Outies, specifically.

Back rolls
For years you’ve been trying desperately to eliminate back rolls with Soul Cycle and juice cleanses, which is a shame, because back rolls are really just extra boobs that grow on your back. Chic and unexpected.

The Victorians embraced the sensuality of an exposed ankle, and so can you.

Upper lip
You may have tweezed, waxed, and bleach your upper lip hair into oblivion. STOP THIS NOW. Bold upper lips are a must for fall.

Two words to Vogue:

girl bye

I’m on Twitter with more unsolicited beauty tips.

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