JENNIFER LAWRENCE, or JLaw to her friends (read: all of America), has quite the resume.
Starring roles in top-grossing blockbusters and critically-acclaimed indie films alike and becoming the face of a multi-billion-dollar action franchise are just two of the entries she can boast about on her LinkedIn profile. But her most impressive feat — by far — has been convincing you that you’re soul sisters. (Though I guess thatwhole Oscar thing was kind of cool, too.) But here comes a tough-love bomb: you’re not, in fact sisters, soul or otherwise. If you were, would you need a page full of gifs convincing you that you were? I rest my case. The sooner you accept this the better, so take some deep breaths, quit daydreaming about casually bantering with Bradley Cooper, and let’s get to work.
STEP 1: STOP REFERRING TO HER (OR ANY CELEBRITY FOR THAT MATTER) AS YOUR SPIRIT ANIMAL
Do you know the origin of this term? Certain northern Native American tribes had a religious coming-of-age tradition in which their youth would make arduous solo treks into the wilderness where they’d basically starve themselves until they hallucinated. The animal that appeared to them in their addled state would be their totem. Ask yourself, would you really want to traipse off into the forest so your ravenous brain can trick you into seeing Jennifer Lawrence? Of course not. You don’t want that, and Jen doesn’t want that for you! If there’s one thing that’s been made abundantly clear, homegirl loves to eat. “So do I!” you exclaim. Which leads us to…
STEP 2: REALIZE THAT YOUR ALLEGEDLY JLAW-ESQUE QUIRKS ARE ACTUALLY BASIC UNIVERSAL TRAITS
You and Jennifer Lawrence both hate exercising! You know who else does? My 45-year-old next door neighbor, Dave the accountant. Also everyone on the planet. Everyone likes fart jokes and not wearing pants and eating cheese. Assigning any significance to the fact that you and your pal Jen both love to eat makes about as much sense as getting jazzed that you both breathe oxygen and have a pulse. Eating is ERRYBODY’s favorite pastime, with the possible exception of Angelina Jolie, who also incidentally might be the lone individual who has never fantasized the idea of being just like JLaw. She’s a maverick. Kind of like me, come to think of it… kidding, kidding.
STEP 3: TAKE INVENTORY OF THE THINGS THAT MAKE YOU UNIQUE (BECAUSE GOD KNOWS IDENTIFYING WITH JENNIFER LAWRENCE ISN’T ONE OF THEM)
Let’s get one thing straight — anyone can act. Acting’s actually just glorified lying. Up until now, you’ve lied to yourself every day about how uncannily similar you are to Jennifer Lawrence. Granted, not everyone can act well and that’s a good thing! Imagine how boring life would be if we were all good at the same things. Also, if everyone could act well, over-the-top awards ceremonies would be pointless and I don’t want to live in a world where Ellen DeGeneres doesn’t get to take red-carpet selfies. So maybe you aren’t a Hollywood starlet — but who needs that when you’re a champion croquet player? Or really good at Monopoly? Everyone has their thing; find yours and work it. After all, as they say, fame is fleeting, but croquet is forever.
STEP 4: INDULGE IN THE OCCASIONAL JLAW MOVIE MARATHON WITHOUT LOSING YOUR SHIT
Now that you’ve calmed down and abandoned your all-consuming and ultimately fruitless quest to prove to yourself (and anyone else who has the misfortune to be in earshot) that you’re Just Like Her, treat yourself! Go ahead and break out The Hunger Games or American Hustle (not The House at the End of the Street though. Even our girl couldn’t salvage that stinker. Yikes.) If you’re feeling really ambitious, even peruse Youtube clips of interviews with her. Now that you’re not reduced to a rabid, twitching puddle of “Oh my God, samesies!” you can actually enjoy them. And hey, don’t beat yourself up if you relapse a little during the “Sorry, I just did a shot” one though. You’re not a machine.
STEP 5: DON’T EVEN THINK ABOUT REBOUNDING WITH SHAILENE WOODLEY
The girl makes her own toothpaste. Trust me, you do not want to mess with that.
