I Was Told There’d Be a Lesbian Coloring Book


later, Debbie Does Dallas.

SO, I’m a raging queermo. I like girls with septum piercings and the movie Practical Magic. I wrote Harry Potter fanfic and played softball as a kid. I’m just a regular, average lesbian.

Thus, it’s been a while since I’ve felt compelled to browse through an issue of Cosmopolitan, seeing as the magazine specializes in such headlines as “News: Why Wet Kisses Make Men Horny,” “His Secret Sex Spots: You Know About his G-Spot, Now Be the First To Find Out About His C-Spot and V-Spot. Touch Both Tonight and You’ll Peel Him Off the Ceiling,” and “How to Touch a Naked Man.” No hard (WOMPWOMPWOMP) feelings toward Cosmo, but “shake his nuts” and “milk his cow” just aren’t super relevant to my life right now.

Even when I dated straight dudes, Cosmo was always more of a laugh-read, as in “hahahaha the F is a sneezegasm?” I couldn’t ever picture anyone actually eating a donut off someone’s penis and enjoying it. And shoving a handful of freshly ground pepper under someone’s nose as they’re about to orgasm is probably never a good idea for anyone, ever. Maybe you just have to really like pepper. And also penises.

Given Cosmo’s trusted name in hyper-hetero, faux-sexy “sex tips,” I was surprised to come across what looks like it might be Cosmo’s first-ever illustrated lesbian sex feature: 28 Mind Blowing Lesbian Sex Positions.

The “Mind-Blowing” part is, of course, of the utmost importance. It seems that Cosmo has somehow managed to take queer lesbian sex and make it just as cringe-worthy awkward as its hetero sex features. What I read next left me with so many, many questions, and to be honest? I was surprised donuts and handcuffs weren’t involved.

Oh wait.

There were handcuffs.

What is it with you and the handcuffs, Cosmo???

I flipped through the slideshow, browsing and noting, “The Tawdry Tire Swing,” “The Espresso,” and “The Sexy Spider.” Which all made it seem like whoever wrote and illustrated the piece hadn’t ever actually had sex with a lesbian before, which is fine, but I would expect someone trying to sell me on “The Tawdry Tire Swing” to at least know what they’re talking about. Some of the positions depicted the use of a strap-on, but whoever illustrated them clearly had no idea that strap-ons don’t have to look like some kind of steampunk contraption latched under your butt cheeks anymore, unless you’re into that, but there’s an easier way now. 

I imagine this post might have been written, maybe, for someone considering dipping their toe into the lady pond, which is valid, except that I would personally advise them not to get their hopes up because what they end up doing will probably not look like it does in the Cosmo feature. The “Strap On Sizzle” is probably best reserved for later down the line. If you’re just getting acquainted or experimenting, maybe keep it simple. Not that I’m any kind of expert AT ALL. It’s just that I, as a queer woman who likes queer women, don’t get my gay sex advice from Cosmo, a magazine almost entirely dedicated, until lately it seems, to PIV hetero sex. If, like me, you’re really serious about being gay, like, as a “lifestyle” and a thing you do on a regular basis, there are other blogs and sites out there that really break down lady sex into the step-by-step, dirty details in ways that are less sexy on paper, but far more useful in actual life to actual queer women who are going to have sex with actual queer women. If that’s what you’re after in the first place.

Let me be clear: I totally, absofruitly applaud Cosmo for striving to expand its content in a queer-friendly-ish direction. For some people, coming across features such as this one in a mainstream publication like Cosmo may be the only gay sex road map they have access to, and I get that. If you’re like my college roommate who, when I told her I had sex with girls replied, “How does that even work?” (YIKES), Cosmo could be a good place to start. Though some would argue that the feature is a sign of progress, and it’s certainly a step in the right (and queer) direction, I think Cosmo still has quite a bit of work to do, if they’re really going to live up to their claims of being “The Ultimate Life and Love Guide for Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual and Transgender People” like they just now realized gay sex is a thing.

I took a good look around the site’s LGBT section and was surprised to find a decent amount of decent-ish LGBT-related content: “Stop Telling Lesbians They’re Doing It Wrong” (a defense of the lesbian sex feature, which is fine except the women in the illustrations AREN’T REAL LESBIANS, THEY’RE CARTOONS WHOSE GENITALS DON’T EVEN TOUCH! Last time I checked you can’t force-field your way to an orgasm just by being within reach of another vagina), “The 20 Most LGBT Friendly Colleges” (I’m actually cool with this one), and “Why You Don’t Have To Label Your Girl Crush,” because can you imagine actually identifying your super gay feelings? THE HORROR! However, all other issues aside, my main gripe with the Cosmo’s LGBTQ section on Cosmopolitan.com clearly states that there is a lesbian sex scene coloring book available on the site which can be printed out. I have scoured the site, and I can’t find it. I WAS TOLD THERE WOULD BE A LESBIAN SEX COLORING BOOK.

Never change, Cosmo.

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