IF YOU’VE ever dreamed of achieving Beyoncé-level celebrity and overall physical perfection, you can’t. Beyoncé’s probably not even a real person. So. Sorry if I just shattered any unattainable fantasies.
BUT. Thanks to a seemingly endless and desperate attempt on the part of Beyoncé’s estranged father and former manager Mathew Knowles to profit from his (former) association with her, you can now enroll in “Beyoncé Boot Camp” and at least be one step closer to becoming Beyoncé. And by “becoming Beyoncé,” I mean you can meet Beyoncé’s father.
Former Destiny’s Child manager and alleged Beyoncé embezzler Mathew Knowles is graciously sharing his industry insider secrets by teaching a “day-long, intensive boot camp” at Houston Community College Central called “The Entertainment Industry: How Do I Get In?” In a statement on the college’s website, Knowles says, “I’ve been in the music and entertainment business more than 20 years and I know how it works.”
Relax, you guys. He knows how it works.
He continues,“I am able to save someone who wants to know what to do to get in [to the entertainment industry] a lot of legwork and time … time that it took me years to learn.”
THANK YOU FINALLY.
According to the school’s website, the class is open to “Current or aspiring entertainers, songwriters, musicians, composers, writers, producers, managers, sound or engineering technicians, publicists, attorneys, financial planners, fashion stylists, hair dressers, photographers, editors, accountants and a myriad of other entertainment-industry hopefuls”, or essentially anyone willing to shell out $295 (advance registration, $350 at the door) for a day with Beyoncé’s dad. “All Beyoncé-aspirers should book a spot now.”
This isn’t Knowles’ first attempt at trying to get in on being famous without Beyoncé, while using Beyoncé to get famous, dabbling in (and failing at) a MTV reality TV venture you’ve never heard of that sought to replicate the intense training that made Destiny’s Child famous and also made them cry.
Admittedly, Beyoncé’s dad probably knows a thing or two about “the industry,” and “how it works,” seeing as he was partially responsible for immaculate stardust-angel Beyoncé’s rise to intergalactic prominence. But much to the disappointment of “Beyoncé-aspirers” (and me, mostly me) the class doesn’t seem to have anything to do with Beyoncé whatsoever. “Beyoncé Boot Camp” isn’t taught by Beyoncé. It doesn’t seem like it’ll teach anyone how to look, dance, sing, procreate, dominate, and generally own the music game like Beyoncé. And if I’m not going to learn how to become Beyoncé (and I don’t live in Houston, Texas or have $295 to blow) what is the point even?? Why call it “Beyoncé Bootcamp” when it isn’t that at all?? LIES, I TELL YOU, LIES!!!
If Mathew Knowles is going to really be successful at this whole teach-me-how-to-be-Beyoncé thing, it would serve him well to start his lessons with the basics:
1. Have your parents fill your childhood bedroom with trophies
2. Get two friends
3. Get Mathew Knowles to belittle your dancing abilities until you cry
Now we’re getting somewhere.
4. Be naturally really good looking
5. Have a naturally amazing voice
6. Break out as a solo star when you realize your band mates’ careers are going nowhere and you won’t let that keep you from your dream of running everything
Once students and “Beyoncé-aspirers” have gained a little knowledge of the various aspects of being Beyoncé and mastered these basics, they may advance to more rigorous and complex areas of studies such as:
Get Bodied Like Beyoncé: How to Replace Solid Food with Lemon Juice and Cayenne Pepper to Get the Body You’ve Always Wanted
Or, for more advanced students:
Mastering the Master Cleanse: Drink and Poop Salt Water like a Celebrity
Other topics covered should include:
How to #WakeUpLikeThis: It’s the Soul (And Body) That Need the Surgery
Effectively Diffusing a PR Crisis in a Way That Is Both Tasteful and Generally Confusing to the Public
Make People Wonder If You Fart Ever
How to Give Birth to a Perfect Baby and Name It like a Famous Person
How to Never Take a Bad Picture except That One Time
Have Sex in a Limo With Your Millionaire Rapper Husband the Fancy Way
Posting Effortless-Seeming and Highly Staged Instagram “Candids”
Pooping Is Regular People: Don’t Let It Happen to You
You’re welcome Mathew/that’ll be $295.