4 Reasons I Want Beyoncé to Have My Back in a Brawl


Best believe this B has a stinger.

Beyoncé was recently (and somewhat creepily) filmed at a Nets game looking thoroughly pissed off. This rumor of marital discord comes on the trashy tabloid heels of plenty others of its kind. Maybe Jay’s bro-centric idea of a romantic date night was one of a long line of disappointments. That being said, trifling with Bey seems like a bold move, even for the god of hip-hop himself. To illustrate that, let’s throw things back to Elevatorgate, 2014. The Met Ball, or as I like to call it, Sarah Jessica Parker’s wet dream, used to provide entertainment only in the form of poker-faced celebrities taking themselves entirely too seriously for people wearing grandma-on-acid ensembles. But this year, it was all about the elevator warfare of WWF proportions between Jay-Z and his wife’s sister Solange Knowles. During which Beyoncé seemed, um, eerily calm throughout. Basically, if I ever toss back one too many vodka-crans and find myself in a brawl, there’s no one I’d rather have my back than the Queen herself. Here’s why:

I. Those Lone Star Loonies!
They say everything’s bigger in Texas. That includes the crazy. The state has a law against selling single eyeballs. Beyoncé hails from this lunatic-stocked state and although she’s now a New York lady, the South never forgets. You know if push came to shove Bey could roll up her sleeves, take out her diamond studs, and do some real damage. Anyone who grew up in a state that lists Frito pie among its delicacies ain’t afraid to die.

II. “The Beygency” is Funny Because it’s True
Most artists have fans. She has minions. There’s a church dedicated to Beyoncé worship. Yes. An actual church. Her foaming-mouthed faithful flock to their Queen Bey message boards where they wax reverently on her honey-hued vocals, unrivaled dance moves, and all-around perfection. You can bet these rabid folks would be great back-up in a fight. Even if their weapon of choice is creatively capitalized assertions that “BLuE iVy iz the cutestt bAby eva!!!1!”

III. They Were Destiny’s Child, Not Destiny’s Children, for a Reason
Sand tiger sharks take inter-species cannibalism to new heights. Not only do the mothers dabble in dining on their young, but the twin embryos, like fishy little Hannibal Lecters, actually eat each other in utero. Basically, Destiny’s Child was the shark womb. Sure, all the girls sang about being survivors, but let’s not kid ourselves. That early 2000s-era girl power trio was a battle royale in crop tops. Michelle Williams recently appeared on FOX’s celebrity duets. Beyoncé is the top-earning recording artist of all time. You tell me who was the winning twin. *Cue JAWS theme*

IV. It Takes Some Serious Horsepower to Put up with a Horse-Faced Hanger-On
Beyoncé’s often labeled a “strong woman.” And while performing to audiences numbering in the tens of thousands, coming to terms with your baby taking after Jay-Z, etc., while undoubtedly daunting, aren’t exactly death-defying triumphs of the human spirit. But hanging out with Kim Kardashian is. Anyone who manages that without losing their mind is worth their weight in a brawl. Can’t you imagine Jay breaking the news to her? “Hey BK, what’s better than me being besties with Kanye? You being besties with Kim!” while she screams into her thousand-thread-count pillow/live swan/whatever Beyoncé sleeps on.

And as for Hova? He’d better sleep with one eye open.

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