DO believe:
- it when you catch him sexting his ex-girlfriend
- it when you find out that it’s been going on a lot longer than he said when you confronted him about it in the first place
- that he actually might have been cheating on you since some of the signs are there and there are some nasty rumors floating around
- it when he grasps for straws in a vain attempt to place the blame on you and your actions
- that there is a very good chance that he will flee in fake, self-righteous indignation, rather than stay and acknowledge his mistake
- that three days will go by without any contact before he calls you
- him when he says he doesn’t think he can do this, whatever “this” is
- him when he says he doesn’t know what he wants
- him when he says he doesn’t know how to be in a relationship with anyone
- him when he says he needs to be on his own for a while
- him when he tells you he’s sorry but he’s done, he can’t be in a relationship with someone who doesn’t trust him
- that when he says he doesn’t know if you guys will get back together that he does, in fact, know, and that the answer is no
- that he is a massive, massive douchebag
- that you are a hundred times better-off without him
- that you will be okay when you see him at a bar with a new girl two weeks later
- that karma exists and that it is a beautiful, gorgeous bitch in four-inch heels when you find out four months later that his new girl cheated on him and that he is completely and utterly wrecked
DO NOT believe:
- him when he says he’s never felt “this way” about anyone before, whatever this is, especially if he’s had a girlfriend before
- him when he says that you’re the first person he’s ever loved, especially if he’s had a girlfriend before
- him when he says he can’t believe how hard he’s falling for you, especially if he’s had a girlfriend before
- that he’s falling at all
- any variation of the above sentiments
- him when he says that he doesn’t like to hook up, because it’s not really his “style”
- that you are an exception, and not the rule, when he tries to initiate sex after your third date
- him when he says that it’s totally fine, there’s nothing to worry about because he’ll pull out in time
- him when he says he doesn’t like the way condoms feels and besides, he wants the sex to be as intense as your “spiritual connection” is
- that he is concerned about you and your future when you tell him you’re pregnant and the first thing he asks is when you’re getting an abortion
- him when he says he’ll pay for the abortion
- that he will come with you to the clinic
- that he he will pick you up from the clinic since he couldn’t stay with you during your appointment
- that he is so, so sorry he couldn’t get you, something came up and is it okay if you take an Uber?
- that he’s too busy to come see how you’re doing right now but that he’ll call you tomorrow
- that it won’t hurt like hell when you never hear from him again
- that his behavior is a reflection of your inherent worth
- that all human beings are as callow, heartless, and self-absorbed as he is
- that you will survive this without your spirit intact
