BEFORE I moved to L.A. I had never heard of things like “dairy alternatives” or “chakra cleansing,” but then I started dating someone who ascribed to a strict macrobiotic diet, and I was never the same. My digestive tract was never the same. I ate a lot of dry seaweed and non-digestible plant fiber during that time. The memory of seaweed farts haunts me to this day. I started to acquire a circle of friends who were into juice cleanses and veganism and various alternative lifestyles which I’ve adopted wholeheartedly, driven completely by L.A. alternative-lifestyle FOMO and the fact that I’ve had bosses who pushed back deadlines “because Mercury is in retrograde,” and they weren’t even joking about it.
I don’t want to be the only person I know who hasn’t experienced the wonder that is a borderline-starvation juice-cleanse high. There are no conclusive studies to prove this, but a casual juice cleanse never hurt anyone. Is it so wrong to enjoy the vague sense of well-being that comes with gargling oil, or acknowledging a change in planetary positioning? Possibly. Probably.
But I’ve drunk the coconut water and I can’t go back to the way things were before. These are the new-age things I can’t give up even though they exist outside the boundaries of logical thought:
Kombucha
The idea of drinking fermented tea with floating yeast particles is disgusting, but I try not to think about it. Like many L.A.-centric, New Age practices, kombucha is supposed to be vaguely good for you, but no one can say with certainty what exactly kombucha does or specifically identify the health benefits. It gives me some mean farts, but supposedly that’s part of the “cleansing” process, and I don’t question it.
Color Puncture
Like acupuncture, except with different-colored lights instead of needles. It’s European so you know it’s good. According to Colorpuncture.com, color puncture is a “revolutionary evolution in holistic healing and one of Europe’s most popular new alternative healing disciplines[…] Colorpuncture involves focusing colored light on acupuncture (and other) points on the skin in order to energize powerful healing impulses in our physical and energy bodies[…] Colorpuncture therapy uses precisely targeted light treatments to gently unlock and release emotional trauma and blocked soul information which often underlie our illnesses.” I wanted to hate it, but I didn’t. Blocked soul information still pending.
Bikram Yoga
Bikram yoga, AKA hot yoga, makes no sense. The whole premise is to “sweat out bodily toxins,” except that “toxins” don’t leave the body via sweat. But it’s a minor detail because I really like the idea of myself as a person who does hot yoga.
Psychics
I don’t necessarily believe in the existence psychic or clairvoyant powers, but I’ve been to one who told me my aura was beautiful. I wasn’t going to argue.
Horoscopes
Horoscopes aren’t real and star signs mean nothing to me until a cute girl at the bar and asks me my sign. At that point, I get really, really into horoscopes.
Oil pulling
Cheaper and oilier than mouthwash, but infinitely cooler. EVERYONE’S DOING IT.
Juice
L.A. people f***ing love juice. And not that basic-ass Mott’s sh**. Fancy juice. Kale juice, green juice, beet juice, aloe vera juice, coconut juice, juice with vinegar, juice cleanses. Is it good for you? I don’t know, it’s f***ing juice! Is green juice delicious as f*** while providing the illusion that I’m semi-conscious of what I put in my body? YES.
