59 Reactions to the 50 Shades of Grey Trailer

• Posted on July 24, 2014
• by Arianna Schioldager
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1. There’s some piano, indicating that serious stuff is ahead.
2. And a mousy girl from the newspaper.
3. Who is wearing your great aunt Margaret’s shirt.
4. Except that’s not your great aunt Margaret.
5. It’s Dakota Johnson.
6. Who?
7. Google, google. Her dad is Don Johnson. That’s cool.
8. Dakota Johnson was a lot cuter with blond hair on that bad, so bad Dakota*, FOX show.
9. Why does it look like she’s already been crying?
10. That receptionist’s skirt is too long and frumpy. Though it is gray.
11. Dakota is wearing so many shades of blue. Gray memo missed.
12. The ships in a storm painting in Mr. Grey’s office is gray.
13. His suit is gray.
14. His chair is gray! Or maybe it’s black. Hard to tell, there are, so many, shades of Grey.
15. Mr. Grey has a very intimidating finger tap.
16. Sidebar: All men look better with beards. Even this Grey dude.
17. This movie looks like it was made in the ‘80s.
18. Was this book set in the ‘80s? We didn’t read it.
19. It’s coming out Valentine’s Day. Is that irony?
20. Dakota is still in blue.
21. He’s still in gray.
22. But now, there is kissing.
23. Intense kissing.
24. They probably brushed their teeth a lot on set.
25. Beyoncé shows up. Fashionably late as usual.
26. Mr. Grey goes jogging in a gray hoodie and gray sweats. Can’t see his shoes. Might be gray.
27. Still. It is a gray day.
28. And in the background an old man with gray hair looks fondly out over a gray pond. Greeeaaat.
29. But confusingly there’s another man in another gray hoodie.
30. They fix it with kissing.
31. Don’t these people ever play Scrabble?
32. Friends that play together, stay together.
33. Sad Mr. Grey tells Ms. Blue that he doesn’t do romance.Then he fingers her under the table while at dinner with some old people. Casual.
34. Blue is the name of Beyoncé’s daughter.
35. Confused again. What does it all mean? Also, sleepy and hungry.
36. Mr. Grey does however do angry shirtless stud struts across apartment.
37. And then he says that he has singular tastes, which sounds like a contradiction, but it’s not.
38. The English language is tough sometimes. Shrugs.
39. Mr. Grey has a bedtime silky eye mask in a sexy secret drawer. It is gray.
40. Then the gray guy and the blue girl go for a ride in a small jet plane. Small. Because he doesn’t do compensation. Right?
41. Laughter, manic laughter. Not so blue anymore huh Dakota?
42. Then Mr. Grey takes off his shirt again to distract us from the fact that he has no beard. OR is Dakota the beard??
43. Confused.
44. Dakota wants to be enlightened.
45. It has nothing to do with Buddha.
46. She still looks like she’s been crying.
47. Then they’re in a sex dungeon.
48. Maybe now is the time to start crying?
49. Then he’s shirtless.
50. Then SHE’S taking off HIS SHIRT too.
51. He must have a lot of stinky shirts.
52. It seems like Dakota should be compensated.
53. Screen goes black.
54. There must be something wrong.
55. It’s not gray.
56. Beyoncé starts moaning.
57. This seems right again.
58. The gray font that spells out the title, is in different shades of gray.
59. Beyoncé gets her own special credit and all is right with the world.

*Mr. Grey impression.

• Filed in: Life+Love
• Tags: 50 shades of greyBeyoncedakota johnsonDon JohnsonfeaturedJamie DornanLife and Love

Written by Arianna Schioldager

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